Today I woke up at 3:00AM and decided to get the ball rolling. At 5:00 AM, this morning I had my first walk along the beach, sans my constant companion---Dante the pup. I had gone out there the other night but felt such a loss and lost that I just turned around and came back home.
There I was at 5:15 AM walking alone on the beach, watching the sunrise between the massive stone breakers, alone. It was as expected--beautiful and very lonely. What an odd feeling it is to be without the pup. It is strange knowing that he will never be by my side again except in memories.
When I left Dante behind (with visiting rights and in the old apartment with the yard) a few years back it was more difficult, as there was no finality to it and my concern for the welfare of Dante gnawed at me on a daily basis. When I'd take him for a few days he'd be so delighted to just be with me it was hilarious. He would look at me and I'd fall right back into doing whatever he wanted me to do. When I was forced to take him back without preparation I was in danger of losing my apt, but decided if that was to come, so be it. Dante and me would stick together for better or worse. That will have been two years ago this september. Little did I know how short a time we had left.
I am at peace with my decision(s) and myself. My only regret (besides having to put Dante down) is that he like everyone, or anything put down, had to suffer those last few seconds. Humane death is anything but humane in the sense most people think of it. The body struggles (Dante did) for a few seconds and I suspect the mind does too, no matter how many dissociative drugs are given beforehand. But it is as humane as we can be within the limitations we have.
Was it a betrayal to put my loved companion down? I don't think so, but then why the conflict in my mind, no matter how small? In the sense that I live on without him and did not walk out of the clinic with him, I do feel I somehow betrayed his trust. When we walked into the place together I did everything I could to make it as normal an experience as possible (to the point of shutting down as much emotion as possible), but let's face it---for him it was the end.
I do not feel I betrayed the trust I earned from the pup I took out of a shelter 12 or so years ago. That pup was a 100 lbs with little chance of being adopted and given a loving home. He had his issues and I was too green too know the problems we would face together in those initial weeks/months. What a match we were. It was like Scooby Doo and Goofy. Gawd, I miss him.
Am I projecting things onto the pup? Most likely, but I can't help believing that I made his personality and existence with me into an image of my own mind's making and that is why I feel so great a loss. I have lost a part of myself. On entering into the process to put Dante down I knew these feelings were going to be with me. Starting on the day I really, truly bonded with the pup (which was a few years into it all), I dreaded the inevitability of what I knew was to come. But knowledge is a poor substitute for experience.
It was almost a year ago that Dante first started exhibiting symptoms which devastated me. That first time as I ran for help it was to Gina and Tim (Gina has a framing place and a gift specialty store around the corner). They took one look at my face and me holding my chest from having sprinted over there like a greyhound at Suffolk Downs, they thought I was having a heart attack when I burst into their store. (* lol ) Sorry, but I can't help laughing (thanks G&T). I laugh at what some people think are inappropriate times. My older brother always hated that about me. He is sooo serious about certain emotional subjects. Hey brother, if you read this... lol .. I love you.
One day a few weeks ago (knowing since last year that it was all downhill for Dante and me), and after realizing that I was becoming an emotional mess by putting things off---prolonging the inevitable, I decided I would use my deceased brother's birthday as the day to end Dante's life and to start a new chapter in this...my journey through life.
For me I guess it is always going to be about the level of acceptance I am willing to swallow at any given time. Life is truly unfair, but would I have it any other way? No, and if I did then I've learned nothing...nothing.
note: I am getting a few nibbles from California regarding the housing search.
here's a test: open another browser tab (by right clicking on the link and re-opening this window/tab) and play this in the background: 01 What Becomes of the Brokenhearted.m4p
does it affect the bandwidth very much after a few 'views'?
