This morning I realized I'm experiencing some anxiety with slight feelings of doubt, and discomfort surrounding my choices in dealing with moving on..."go west young man"
I've got the 'go west' part down, but the 'young man' part is playing with my head.
As the eventuality of my departure (end of august/beginning sept when my lease here is up) gets closer I am haunted by the idea that it's not as easy as it once was to pick up and move. I guess age plays a part in it. Maturity has given me the gift or the curse (however one wants to look at it) of not being so cocksure about every little thing I decide to do. I now question things in ways that I never would have dreamed of doing. These days I end up using people I respect as sounding boards and taking what they have to say into serious consideration.
I have a sneaking suspicion that with all the preparation that went into deciding the move out west is what I want, I've neglected to consider how much real and potential loss would affect me. I've always known that loss was a powerful thing, but I never was one to feel possessive of or connected in materialistic ways to people, places and things (I guess that is why I mostly stayed single all these years). I could not care less if I tried about moving out of Boston, but the coming loss of close physical contact with family and friends, and of course the recent loss of the pup weighs heavy on my mind. I always thought Dante would be coming with me.
I remember when I'd moved away years ago, the grieving process over the loss of things was delayed a bit if not put completely out of mind. I may have seemed cold in some ways but I think it was mostly my outlook on life, that nothing was insurmountable even physical distance with the connections I had with people.
Now? Sentimentality? Most definitely maybe. It sucks, but at the same time it is comforting in a weird way. These are healthy and normal feelings and in no way signal the kind of doubts that would cause me to change plans on moving out west as I had to do the past few years.
I gotta run. I just got a call from the dentist and I am hoping to have all work done before I leave. Going to one of the dental schools may have been a mistake. The bureaucracy at medical schools are what they are.
